Food Talk with Kirby!
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: Kirby, a food critic? Oh, how hilarious I am. NOTE: rated for explicit language like "go jump in a lake and die" and explicit violence like jumping in a lake and dying. READ AND REVIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK, PEOPLE!


**Food Talk with Kirby!**

_Hiii! Welcome to my column! This is going to be the number one stop for food lovers the world over. That's right – not sure where to eat? Only after the best food possible? That's where I, Kirby, come in! I'm going to do all the hard work for you, trying out the best and worst of what the world has to offer!_

_Also food critics get to eat free._

_Anyway, I'll be rating places from one to twenty:  
**1-7** Tastes worse than Wario  
**7-10** Tastes about the same?  
**11-15** Great food or something, you won't regret it  
**16-20** I kidnapped the chef (haha, jk)_

_Okay, on to my first review! I thought I'd start somewhere close to home... like Luigi's Pizzeria!_

_Um, well, you know Luigi, right? Mario's funny-looking brother? Well, walking into his pizza place you can really see he's put a lot of effort..._

-oOo-

"...you can really see he's put a lot of effort into the decorations," said Kirby into his little tape recorder, looking around.

The walls were adorned with posters of Luigi's head Photoshopped onto some bodybuilder at the beach. Also drawings of Mario being eaten by Bowser.

"Kirby!" said Luigi, walking over, looking angry. "You can't be here!"

"Relax," said Kirby, "I'm a **food critic** now." He pointed at the sticker he was wearing. "See?"

"That sticker says 'nice job!'," said Luigi suspiciously. "And it has a little smiling sun on it!"

"Um, _no_," said Kirby, "it says food critic. _Someone_ can't read as well as Mario."

A vein bulged in Luigi's forehead.

"Never mind," said Kirby. "I'll go get myself a seat, okay?"

"Just... just don't do anything stupid!" said Luigi. "The health inspectors are here!"

He pointed at three Koopas in sunglasses and suits, all staring menacingly back at them.

Kirby was already walking over to a table.

"The tables," said Kirby into his tape recorder, "are kind of, um... vintage. With a full-bodied texture and tablecloths that look like..."

"Hey, Kirby!" said Yoshi, who was sharing a pizza with Pikachu.

"Hey!" said Kirby, taking a slice. "Mind if I take a slice?"

"Hey!" said Pikachu. "You can't do that!"

Kirby gulped it down, smacking his lips. "Hey, relax. I'm a **food critic**!" He pointed at his sticker.

"Um..." said Yoshi, reading it.

"Cool!" said Pikachu. "Is it fun?"

"Well," said Kirby, still chewing, "for one thing, I get to eat free!"

"_What!?_" yelled Luigi, dashing over. "_Free_?"

"Huh," said Kirby. "This salami pizza tastes kind of... sweet. Are you putting preservatives in your meat?"

Luigi snatched the plate away from Kirby. "That's ridiculous! I'm not... wait, this is a Hawaiian! It's supposed to be..."

"Waiters... take orders wrong..." muttered Kirby into his tape recorder.

"What!?" said Luigi. "It's _supposed_ to be _sweet_, that's what I was going to say! Now just sit down and wait your turn!"

"I **ordered **a salami pizza," said Kirby.

"You DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING!" yelled Luigi, his face turning red. "You _haven't even sat down yet_!"

Yoshi nodded. "Yeah, um, Kirby, could you please go to another table? This is kind of embarassing..."

"Are you kidding?" said Pikachu, gripping his videophone.

One of the black-clad health inspectors swooped in. "Excuse me, is there a problem?" said he.

"Oh, _thank you_," said Luigi. "This guy is nothing but trouble. He eats all my food, and now he's trying to annoy my customers and steal food without paying! Make him stop!"

The health inspector frowned and looked at Kirby. "Sir, please leave the..."

"This salami pizza tastes sweet," said Kirby.

The health inspector raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Oh, no you don't," said Yoshi, snatching the last piece and clutching it close. "This is _mine_, I paid for it, you're not taking it..."

Kirby plucked a bit of pineapple off the slice and gave it to the health inspector. "Here, try."

The health inspector took one bite and frowned. "You're right, this salami _does_ taste off..."

"It's a _Hawaiian_!" shouted Luigi, waving his arms in sheer anger.

"Sheesh," said Kirby, "I bet _Mario_ would be nicer to his customers..."

"Well Mario can JUMP INTO A LAKE AND DIE!" shouted Luigi.

Everybody in the restaurant gasped.

Silence.

The health inspectors all gathered around and started scribbling frantically into their clipboards.

Luigi stared around wildly and took a few deep breaths.

"Okay," he said, "I got a little upset. Ha, ha. Everyone does, right?"

The health inspectors stared at him blankly.

"Well," said Luigi, "we just had a little misunderstanding. That's okay. How about-"

Kirby snatched the hat off Luigi's head and started chewing on it.

"Give that back!" shouted Luigi.

"Hmm. Parsley tastes like paper. Probably stale after sitting in the _trash_ for ten weeks."

The inspectors all nodded and murmured amongst themselves.

"I **hate **you Kirby!" shouted Luigi, picking up an empty pizza tray and whacking Kirby with it. It bounced straight of Kirby's head and hit Luigi in the face, breaking his nose.

"_Augh_!" screamed Luigi.

"LOL NOSE SECKS," said Sonic.

Everybody had a good chuckle.

"Very friendly atmosphere," said Kirby into his mike.

"Go away Kirby!" screamed Luigi, vein bulging in his forehead.

The health inspectors glared at him angrily.

He waddled over to Sonic. "Hey, I didn't see you there! What are you doing here?"

"I'm eating my special Sonic pizza!" said Sonic.

"Ooh, a house speciality?" said Kirby, ripping off a bit and chewing on it. "What is it?"

"It's covered with all sorts of cool stuff!" said Sonic. "Some green peppers, spinach, a bit of lettuce, celery, a little bit of cheese, olives... it's really cool! Luigi calls it the 'Luigi special' but to me it's the Sonic pizza."

Kirby swallowed. "Not bad," he said. "Much better than the salami."

"It was PINEAPPLE YOU IDIOT!" shouted Luigi.

"Would you testify to that in court?" said one of the health inspectors.

"I'm confused, though," said Kirby, gargling on Sonic's lemonade. "Why do you call it a Sonic pizza?"

"Uh, it's covered with green stuff, _duh_," said Sonic.

Kirby stared blankly.

"Get it? Green? Me? 'Sonic' pizza?"

Kirby narrowed his eyes. "Sonic... you're blue."

"Haha, very funny," said Sonic. "So you get it now?"

"You're _blue_," said Kirby.

Sonic looked down at his blue hands.

Sonic looked at the green pizza.

Sonic looked at his blue hands.

Sonic looked at the green pizza.

Sonic looked at his blue hands.

Sonic looked at the green pizza.

Sonic looked at his blue hands.

"I'M BLUE!" cried Sonic, bursting into tears. "I HATE YOU MOM YOU LIED TO ME! WELL GUESS WHAT MOM, I'M NEVER EATING VEGETABLES AGAIN! YOU FILTHY LYING B-"

"That's interesting," said a health inspector. "Emotional outbursts. Are you drugging the food, Luigi?"

"No!" said Luigi angrily.

"Chopping it up with unwashed hands?"

"No!" said Luigi angrily.

"Chewing on it before serving it?"

"Hey," said Kirby, helping himself to some garlic bread, "this is kind of cold."

"_Yeah_?" shouted Luigi. (The health inspectors gasped.) "Well that's because Sonic left it sitting there for **two hours**, okay?"

Everybody gasped.

"You served us... _stale bread_?" said Yoshi, looking sick.

Pikachu stared at Luigi in horror.

"HEY, BABY SONIC, THESE ARE VE-GE-TA-BLES, YOU SHOULD EAT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE GREEN JUST LIKE YOU! OH, OKAY MOM! OH, WAIT – I'M _NOT GREEN_, MOM! I'M BLUE! YOU FIBBING OLD CRONE! YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST, MOM! I'M NEVER LISTENING TO YOU, EVER AGAIN!"

"Look, just _shut up_!" shouted Luigi, cradling his broken nose. "Shut up, Sonic!"

Sonic glared at Luigi. "Fine! I'm **never **coming here **again**!" He started packing up his fanmail bag.

Luigi's eyes went red, forehead-vein bulging again. "That _does it_, Kirby! I've had enough of you! You've just driven away one of my oldest customers!"

"Just because you don't have Mario's charisma doesn't mean..." said Kirby.

The bulging vein in Luigi's forehead popped, spraying Yoshi with blood.

"Ararararararar!" cried Yoshi, instantly becoming severely depressed and having to spend the rest of his life in expensive therapy sessions and on daytime talk shows.

"Omigod!" squeaked Pikachu, backing away. "Luigi, are you _insane_?"

"DIE KIRBY!" shouted Luigi, pulling out a pistol.

Everybody gasped.

Luigi pointed it at Kirby and fired. The bullet bounced straight off Kirby's forehead...

("AAAAHHH..." screamed Luigi, diving out of the way.)

...and hit Sonic between the legs.

"Augh! My brain!" cried Sonic, as he bled slowly to death.

Sonic died.

Everybody gasped.

Silence.

"Well, at least he wasn't a future customer," said Luigi, carefully putting the gun away.

"What _complete_ disregard for customer safety!" said the health inspectors. "Luigi, we're shutting you down!"

"NOO!" cried Luigi.

The health inspectors _swooshed_ out of the restaurant.

"Yeah, let's... go..." said Pikachu, gently helping Yoshi out.

Luigi pulled out a knife and started stabbing Kirby with it, every thrust glancing off Kirby's pudgy head.

"I hate you Kirby..." Luigi sobbed. "You ruined _everything_..."

"There, there," said Kirby, patting Luigi on the head.

"I wish I was dead..." sobbed Luigi.

"Hey, cheer up," said Kirby, putting a sticker on Luigi's clothes. "See? It says 'nice job'. 'Cuz you've got a great place here!"

Luigi started clawing at Kirby's face in anger.

"I mean it!" said Kirby sincerely. "I gave you a..."

-oOo-

_...**13 out of 20**! The food's pretty average but the atmosphere is great. The gourmet pizzas are great, but avoid the salami at all costs. Average prices for average fare makes this a pretty good place to go if you're after food, but only if that's pizza we're talking. Also there are some lovely tablecloths. _

_(NOTE: Since I wrote this, Luigi closed down. I'm pretty sad to hear that, but I'll put this up anyway. Food lovers, if Luigi ever opens another place, you heard it here first!)_

_Kirby, out! _


End file.
